Open Hands are Hard To Hold

30 Song Post #16 A Song I Used to Love but Now Hate: "At Last" by Etta James

come on. This is the love song to end all love songs. I have always been drawn to the classics, because back in the day, when they wrote a song it was because they had something to SAY! There aren't a ton of words, but damn it if she didn't sing the hell out of this song. It's been done well, it's been done mediocre, and it's been massacred. But IT. HAS.BEEN. DONE.

Growing up, I couldn't get enough of this song. It reminded me that the one for me was coming, and it would be worth the wait. It told me that it would be like nothing I had ever had before or that I would have again. When I found the one, I would know it!


"At last 
My love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
At last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream, that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
You smiled, you smiled
Oh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
for you are mine...
At Last"


And that's why I hate it now. I had it set aside. I am a planner, you see. I always knew what I would name my daughter, and I did!  I always knew what my first house would look like (white house, black shutters, red door), and I always knew what my wedding song would be. I got 2 out of 3 of those things.

I fell in love, he proposed, we had a child, and he was all for using "At Last". I had the wedding planned all the way down to a deposit on the venue (a castle, mind you) bought the dress, deposits at the caterers. And then one day, he "doesn't want to be a husband or a father".

Now every time that I hear that song, the joy is missing. It has become a funeral song for me. Of course, this was all years ago, I am married to a different man, and of course we have a completely different song. But unless you live under a rock, there is no getting away from this damned Etta James song. Every wedding, commercials, tv shows, the Presidential Inauguration! They all have used this song. When I hear it, I no longer hear the promise of an amazing love story, but I hear a soft-hearted woman that fooled herself into thinking that just because I meant every word that I said, that maybe he did too. What a shame.

She Cries Your Name

30 Song Post #15 A song that describes you: "the Nicest Thing" by Kate Nash

"All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favorite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something"

Single Ladies

30 Song Post # 14:  A song that no one would expect me to love: It Kills Me by Melanie Fiona

I don't do a whole lot of R&B, unless it's old school, but I can't lie, I LOVE this kind of song, and this one in particular is EVERYTHING. I know, I know, but if you listen hard enough, she'll say some things (in the words of Young Jeezy).

Oh yeah I've got trouble with my friends
Trouble in my life
Problems when you don’t come home at night
But when you do you always start a fight
But I cant be alone, I need you to come on home
I know you messing around...
...Ive gotta be out my mind
To think its gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave but the other half still believes
And it kills me to know how much I really love you...


I am here to tell you , men complain about crazy women, but alot of them were sane and fine before someone that she gave her heart to played with it until she got this way. And the opposite is true, most of those men are messed up from being mistreated. Vicious cycle. Every.Single. Woman. has been crazy over some man, we just don't always admit it.

I am a proud woman, but I have been dragged through some MESS, okay? and it pushed me to the point where I felt like I couldn't admit defeat bc of all that I had fought for, which is crazy.

I think I like this song bc it's just so real. I know a million women that could sing this like an anthem, and that's a shame, but it's legitimate. When she says "so much I wanna Ooh ooh oooooooh", I get ALL of the feels. The frustration, the internal battle, it's palpable. "Should I be a lady?"

It's a decision every day to be a lady. There is not one woman that doesn't have it in them to be psychotic over her man, but we can choose to go the other way, even when we know that letting the beast loose would feel better. If we hold it in, we come out on top, but we pay a hefty price. When my hubby hears this one come on, he knows that it is time to smooth some stuff OUT! lol




You can enjoy it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8yZedKTXJ0

I Told You So

30 Song Challenge Post #13: A Guilty Pleasure Song: "I Know You Won't" by Carrie Underwood

Sigh. Okay, now let me qualify this answer just a little bit. I have gone back and listened to the album version of this song, and I am pretty bored. this is a perfect example of when live music MURDERS the recorded version.

When I first heard this song, it was when she performed it live at an awards show. Queen Latifah  introduced her, and I left it on as I was busy with something else. The lyrics are pretty bleak, all about a man that she tries to understand and wants to believe in, but she has finally gotten to the point that she knows without a doubt that she just can't believe a word that he says. How very typically country, but for some reason, this damned song has never left my brain.

When I fight with my husband, I sing this in my shower and it is so cathartic. Carrie is very quiet in the verses of this song, but the chorus is booming, soaring, beautifully declarative.

You say you'll call, but I know you
and you say you're comin' home, 
But I know you
You say you'll call, 
But I know you won't..."

and that is where she sold me. She just HOLDS it in such earnest.. I know you wont.....

How many times have we talked ourselves into something that we knew not to be true simply because we couldn't bear to look at what truth lied beneath all of the hope and compromise?
When you have a bad egg, you KNOW it, but by the time you know it, you are usually already in love and therefore locked in. I keep saying it, but it has never stopped being true: I will always respond greatest to a writer that can just say it. When she slips from her pretty serenade into the last leg of the song and lets that grit into her voice, you can feel that this is not a song written to fill album space (which is how the recording comes off)but that this is about a very specific somebody. there is a loss in that voice, a sound that says I am not quite over it. Unfinished. And frankly, maybe that's because she didnt write it ( written by Wendell Mobley, Neil Thrasher, McEwan), but she certainly sang it like she did!


I'm telling you, by the time it hits 3:56, it is full on GREAT!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5gwoFgOt9o

I'm Not the Only One

30 post song challenge #12: A song from a band that you hate: "Savin Me" by Nickelback

It is not so much that I HATE the band, they are just not really my deal. It's a little generic, a little bland, and super predictable. But then, like most things, if you listen hard enough in between all of the throwaways there are some very interesting lines. i like this song in particular because the lead in and fade out guitar riffs are slightly haunting. I am very much into anything that can give me the feels, anything that takes me to a place in my heart that I have been and cannot (will not) easily access.

This song could have been just another tosser if not for the line in the chorus:

"say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me.."

I couldn't get that phrasing out of my head. He didn't just want her to say it FOR him, but to say it TO him. Looking back, I have given heart to people that said all of these wonderful things about me, and couldn't bring themselves to say it TO me, to declare it, to make it legit. Dancing around the hard topics can be enticing, the anticipation building until you reach a frenzy. It's the courtship of it all. but at some point, you have to put up or shut up. If you want me, if you want my heart, you have to have the courage to step over that line. SAY IT if it is worth saving me!

And from another angle...  I have a very good friend that is in quite the rough spot. I, along with the rest of his friends and family, are watching him drown. He is floundering, and not winning this fight. I get why he stays. He doesn't want to break his vows, he doesn't want his child coming from a broken home, and he lacks the confidence to turn his world upside down. People around him have hinted at wanting to help, but sometimes you have to SPEAK UP and say the hard things. SAY IT if it's worth saving him. I think of him every time I come across this song... Our friendship is in a treacherous position, as she knows that I won't stand idly by, and that threatens her very position. But I refuse to go to the funeral of a friend when I have things that have been left unsaid out of courtesy..

I will say it, because it's worth saving him.

White Blank Page

30 Songs: #11: A song from your fave band: "Broken Crown" by Mumford and Sons.

I don't adopt new bands into my collection lightly. I may like one or two songs, but to say I am a fan is a very different thing. Being the nerd that I am, I don't claim fandom unless I can fully commit. I like to be completely invested in the music, the writing, the message... The origin story and the journey have an impact on the music.

All of that being said, Mumford and Sons is the band that I have fallen in love with the most in the past 5 years. "Broken Crown" is a song that immediately struck a chord on many levels. Im going to post the lyrics altogether, because they speak volumes! It says so much about choice and free will vs fate and destination. We know what is technically right and wrong, but the heart wants what it wants... We see how things should go, but sometimes the bad choice gives that instant gratification we all can't help but yearn after. And worse, while we are all guilty of our own sin, the judgment and contempt... the SHADE that we throw to one another is despicable. This is the song that plays like my own personal testimony. I have no problem admitting my faults and missteps, but dont you dare stand as my judge and jury, because your closet is as full as mine...

http://www.2kmusic.com/en/webvideo/mumfordsons/1LBx2YjDtYg/broken-crown-by-mumford-and-sons-lyrics

Touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home safe and tucked away
Well You can't tempt me if I don't see the day

The pull on my flesh was just too strong
Stifled the choice and the air in my lungs
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie
'Cause when I opened my body I breathe in a lie

I will not speak of your sin
There was a way out for Him
The mirror shows not
Your values are all shot

But oh my heart, was flawed I knew my weakness
So hold my hand consign me not to darkness

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I can take the road and I can fuck it all away
But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate

Never Keeping Secrets

Radio silence is necessary once in awhile. Though I make no excuses for mine. It's difficult to explain but I feel... unsafe. Vulnerable in the worst way. Digging deep and climbing behind the same walls that were built for protection is the only way to get the quality of writing that I want. It's not good to be so closed off, so some of those walls didn't get put back and now I am at risk.  Damn it.

30 Song Posts #10 : A song that helps you sleep : "Walking After You" by The Foo Fighters.

The second verse says, "if you'd accept surrender, I'll give up some more..." The amount of push and pull that one line describes is crazy. And overwhelmingly relatable. Which is why I chose this song for this post. The music is a wonderful whiskey fueled lullabye, and then the lyrics spur me into thinking and mediating on love and what that means. The chorus repeats almost as a chant, "if you walk out on me, I'm walking after you...", That's so powerful. And sweet. And almost a vow. It's a promise and declaration. I put this song on, and I drift into the most peaceful of dreams.

I'm surprised to realize that I listen to this song in both times of sadness and joy, in both love and loss. It can be hopeful or desperate, depending on status of your heart. Dave Grohl, you sing my thoughts. If you haven't listened to it before, find a space to be alone, put on your headphones, and prepare to get lost.

Foo Fighters - Walking After You: http://youtu.be/rvorB7d2b8Y

You Never Can Tell

30 Song Post #9: A song that makes you dance: Feel Again by One Republic

There were more obvious choices, like "walking on sunshine", "footloose", or any of the swing/rockabilly music I love love love, but it's easier to use the last one that made me feel that way.

The song is catchy and bright, but it also speaks to a time of darkness, a time when everything was just more of the same. If I let myself dig deep into this song, it will break my heart. And the it will sew it back up as it reminds me that no matter how many times I made the wrong choice, how many times that I took the hit, it call worked out in the end. There's a man that loves me despite my mess, and I give him the same.

"It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace
Everything that I had 'til my feet went numb
Praying like a fool that's been on the run

Heart's still beating but it's not working
It's like a million dollar phone that you just can't ring
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing
Yeah, my heart is numb

But with you
I feel again
Yeah, with you
I can feel again...

It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace
Everything that I broke 'til my feet went numb
Praying like a fool just shot the gun

Heart still beating but it's not working
It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh, my heart is numb

But with you
I feel again...
I'm feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me...

The joy of this song starts in my head and runs full speed to my feet. I'm known for having it in repeat until I get out of a funk.

Side note: I'm loving these writing exercises! It's spurred my writing on in a crazy way! Reminding myself why I started, giving inspiration, and keeping me from getting blocked up.

Give Me Love

Song post #8: A song you know all the words to.

:::Can I just start by saying WOW!!! In just these last months, it's been crazy. I have been writing not just more, but better songs, which is a big deal to me because I love what I was writing before.

I stopped second guessing the words, stopped analyzing the process, and just wrote! Sure there have still been a few duds, but the good ones have been GREAT!

I'm focused less on the sound and more on the story. The sound will come on it's own. I can't really explain the joy of being able to take what I dream and create a reality. I love that my girl is singing my songs and recording them, but even if no one ever heard them, it would be enough to have given them life.. :::

That being said... a song that I know all of the words to. I'm going to reach back to a song that could never be done better than the original. It's not the best technical song, nor the catchiest, but I dare you to find a song that carries more meaning to a greater amount of people.

I chose "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. Even before they sing one word, you are hooked. I could go into the original content meaning and the story of why they wrote it, but honestly, you don't have to know any of that to know real songwriting:
"How I wish, how I wish you were here,
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.
Running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
Wish you were here..."

Chandelier

Song post #7: A song that reminds you of a certain event: "Breathe Me" by Sia

"Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe..."

... yes, the music is beautiful, and it builds to that devastating crescendo that could melt a polar ice cap, but the power of the phrasing in this song is undeniable. There's no place to hide. If you have never been at the end of your rope, hit a rock bottom, or had nothing left to lose, this song is not for you.

I first heard it in the series finale of "Six Feet Under", which for the record is still the greatest finale that I have ever seen.
Maybe that's why when I hear this song, I see a montage of events. I see my lows, I see the highs, and I see those moments in the lives of those around me. I remember finding my mother in the bathtub... And then I feel the joy when I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I see the day that I married my husband... And then I feel the empty place in my heart from the many friends that I have buried over the years.

There is no belting in this song, but it is a showstopper. If ever a song were meant for a soundtrack, "Breathe Me" fits the bill. No gimmicks, no double talk. It's not complicated. This song is quietly screaming for you to FEEL SOMETHING.
Breathe me video

Somewhere Only We Know

Song Post #6: a song that reminds you of somewhere. "Title and Registration" by Death Cab for Cutie.

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

This song reminds me of an old house usually filled with college boys, but on a certain Valentine's Day occupied only by one. Just he and I, staving off loneliness with UNO and music. We talked for hours, drifting off in between conversations. The day turned into night, and hands found hands, mouths found mouths...

This song had to have played 3 or four times throughout the day, and it will always be able to take me back to that day...the kind of day that would never work if it were planned. We had no clue at the time that the song would ultimately tell our story quite well.

Death Cab has a gift for creating an atmosphere of both reminisce and finality, which is an accurate way to describe my feelings on what happened at that house. Lines were crossed, memories made, but I'm fine with them remaining just that... Memories. It's nice to visit once in a while. I just don't want to stay there.

I Don't Know You Anymore

30 post song challenge #5- a song that reminds me of someone. It occurred to me that yesterday's post covered that more than a song that makes me sad (as was the objective yesterday), so I will llet yesterday's stand for today. 

So, a song that makes me sad...I immediately thought of "Hate Me" by Blue October. It just pulls at the gut. He was a mess, tearing himself apart piece by piece. The more he self destructed the harder she held on, just trying to hold him together. In the end, he loves her enough to want her to be happy, even if that means she has to stop loving him! As long as she loves him, she won't ever give up on him. My heart breaks everytime he screams "Hate me today...tomorrow...for all the things I didn't do for you...so you can finally see what's good for you."

If you listen to that song enough times, you will start to feel like one of these characters (or in my case, both of them depending on where my head is at). I have been this woman, killing myself to save the person that I love. Ignoring every sign that says to run like hell. I have been him as well...so lost in my own demons that I couldn't for the life of me understand why this person put up with my crazy...alternately pushing them away and desperately needing them to stay. 

We are who we are, deep down. Everyone has their demons, and sometimes we conquer them, sometimes we don't. You can waste lifetimes waiting for someone to want to change. I'm a romantic. I believe suffering is a part of all great love stories. I believe in possibility. But this songs reminds me that sometimes we have to see things for what they are. 

Cannonball

30 post song challenge #4- a song that makes me sad...

"Delicate" by Damien Rice. There's a story told in this one that is so personal that it feels almost inappropriate for us to listen, like we are eavesdropping on a lover's conversation. I have had an experience/relationship that can be so completely summarized by this song that my chest becomes tight at even the thought.

"It's not that we're scared, it's just that it's delicate"...

Sure, it's a love song, but it really speaks to the heartbreak of two halves that never become the whole they should have been. Have you ever known two people that should have been together but couldn't make it work? I was more concerned with the person I "should" have been than letting myself just be who I was. I wonder if he is happy... hope he is happy... and hate that I ended things so spectacularly terrible. I broke whatever we had and have never been able to repair it. I was the villain in our story, and I'll have to answer for that. Until then, I'll listen to Damien Rice break my heart while I pack this suitcase.

Walking on Sunshine

30 post song challenge #3:  a song that makes me happy.

I was singing along to a random playlist and "Anything Could Happen" queued up by Ellie Goulding. Catchy beat, nice melody, pretty voice. Not so much forgettable as benign. Something that I could throw on anytime, like a comfortable sweater. At least until the breakdown happens. Every single time the song is playing, I am only vaguely paying attention, and the moment where she plants her feet and declares, "I know it's gonna be, I KNOW IT'S GONNA BE", I find myself modulating right along with her and suddenly this white bread song becomes an anthem. For that last 40 seconds, this is the song that turns my melancholy into joy. This is the dance-in-my-undies-hands-in-the-air happy inducing song.

Nothing special happens after that big declaration, same melody and ooh ooh ooh that happened beforehand, but all is suddenly brighter and so much more awesome.

No light, No light

Rather than the 30 day song challenge, I'm doing the 30 post song challenge. My last post qualifies as Post #1: Favorite Song, so here we are at Post #2: Least fave song...

Why am I having such a hard time thinking of songs that I hate? Most songs have some redeeming qualities, whether it's the music, the lyrics, or maybe an unexpected sax solo (I'm looking at you "TGIF" and "talk dirty to me"). 

The song that really get under my skin are the ones that have nothing to say... I don't have to agree with what you are saying, just SAY SOMETHING! "Barbie Girl" makes the do not play list. I can see the harmless fun angle, but Good Lord! Annoying, repetitive, boring.

Good music tells a story. Even if that story is simply telling someone that they suck and you hate their face, it still qualifies. Don't waste my life telling me how much money you have or girls you have. I don't care about your "haters", how much you drank, or how pretty you are. SAY SOMETHING.

Make Yourself

Knowing that my friend is predisposed to country music can make for a very claustrophobic writing session if I let it. I get so wrapped up in what I want the song to sound like that it suffocates and becomes generic. Scrap that, take it back to bare bones, and see what comes out. The result of that is almost overwhelmingly more satisfying than the first attempt.

Listening to music is the only way to get through the day when it's full of menial tasks (the perfect housewife I am not, thank GOD my husband doesn't mind doing the dishes). My favorite Snow Patrol song queued up (Make This Go On Forever) and I was reminded of how much I love what I do. That song makes me FEEL something... before I knew the words and long after I forget them, I know how this song makes me feel. The build up, the yearning, the regret, the outright desperation. And finally, a plea. "Please, just save me from this darkness...", I mean does it get more honest than that?

I may never write a grammy winner but that's not the goal. The goal is for someone somewhere to hear my words and feel like it could have come from their own mouth, to make a connection.
Otherwise, what's the point?

Watch: http://vimeo.com/68955204

I'd Rather Go Blind

For every three or four songs that I write, I write one for me, in my voice. Even as it comes together, I am already putting it in a special place. So now there is this collection of songs that have no itinerary. The hope is that in the future, I will be able to say, "Oh, I have the perfect song for that!".

I am in a place right now where I am unable to hear the music to the songs... and that rarely happens. Usually the trick is getting it out the way it is in your head.  In this case I can hear the melody of the lyrics but not the accompaniment, which is half of the damned story!

Sigh... instead of going so long blocked up, I am going to look up writing exercises to keep up my momentum. Ok, I REALLY don't want to, but I promised that I would try it...

:::Grumble Grumble:::

Sometimes I think it's more being afraid of what's inside, waiting to come out... not being ready for it...

Delicate

There are certain people in and out of my life that have meant something special. Something that is incredibly difficult to describe. I have loved them with my entire heart, and yet we are no longer a part of each other's day to day. I don't mean exes, I mean those relationships that bear no name. The ones that aren't about romance and sex and dates. Im talking about the way we got each other through death and loss... the sanctuary we provided each other from our personal demons and family heartbreak... the inside jokes and unspoken connections. When those relationships end, they take a piece of you that can never be retrieved or replaced. How the hell am I supposed to just forget about all of that???

I miss these people more than any ex, and that includes the man that I almost married. I feel slightly incomplete. And the worst part of it is, this is just not something that goes away with time. We keep moving forward, we change, we grow... and life goes on. I have this phenomenal husband that allows and encourages me to be the best version of me in all my crazy gypsy glory. My daughter is a dream come true. My bestie is my legitimate soulmate. But I will always love, miss, and cherish the indescribable ones. Always.

Gimme Shelter

The trip was fantastic! I came up with a ton of new material, got the approval on "Dead Wrong", "Strangers", "Gone", "Just For Today", "I Don't", "The You", "After All", and "Sins". I didn't think that so many of them would work! Lucky for me, I am still in full swing. I think I can 2 or 3 more songs out of my brain before getting into the new stuff thats waiting to come forward. I definitely have plenty of material from the weekend...

I am going to get back to the writing but I wasn't working the entire time, I did get to cross something off my bucket list and do something special for my bestie...

Music and Love, two things that we share, are passionate about, and that will always remain. This is my first tattoo, so of COURSE we got a matching one.

Face Down

Domestic violence is a surprisingly divisive topic... it's easy to think that if one person hits another, they are wrong. Apparently, not everyone feels that way. I have been witness to a man systematically isolating and controlling a woman, eventually using his fists when he couldn't get his point across otherwise. It's public knowledge, there's no supposition of if it happened or not. And yet, there are still people that ask her "what did you do to make him do that?".

It blows my mind. Now, years into it, she finally makes a move legally, and somehow she is vilified...? She has a right and a responsibility to not only do what she has to in order to keep herself safe, but also her child.

But in our society, you keep your mouth shut and no one gets hurt... except for you.

Can you tell I have a song brewing?

Today is the day. I fly out tonight and find out if I have the goods or not. For the first time in my life, I am betting on me.

....................

Hide and Seek

Just 48 hours until Denver. I am just going round and round with the songs. Will they be well received? Understood? Are they too similar? Too broad and not cohesive?
I love them, for the most part. There are 3 songs that sound great but don't move me in a personal way, but She wants them, so She gets them. Walking that line between going my own way and filling orders, so to speak, can be crazy frustrating, but it's a pressure I place upon myself. While I love the work, im aware that not all of it will work. I cant wait to see it sung full out and by someone other than me!

2 days. 2 days to get my game face on and step into the big leagues.

Through the Storm

626pm. Driving into the storm. Hubby doesn't want me to know he's nervous. This should be interesting.
650 drove next to a tornado forming, got past that, heading into hail.

723 headed back to omaha, hoping to skirt in between storms...  Jesus protect us.

745pm took a southeast route around the dangerzone. Clear and peaceful.

815pm the storm cell moved with us, so taking highway 50 took us into the eye of the storm. We had zero visibility and have pulled over.

835pm iit's sketchy but doable... I have a good eye on the horizons, but it could change on a dime. The hubby is silent and white knuckling it.

9pm HOME!!!! That trip worked out any random want to storm chase EVER! I saw a tornado form and drop (pictured below) and accidentally drove right through the absolute nastiest storm I've ever seen from within. Adrenaline rush be damned, I'd rather be SAFE. 

Thus concludes my Mother's Day Adventure Extravaganza, as my daughter called it.

Graceland

The song is done. Now there are a few other songs that are coming together quite nicely. Once I was passed the waiting period, everything else just kind of came tumbling out. It's a very weird thing...

When asked what I do (and really, "what do you do?" is randomly offensive) I said,  "I do nothing... well that's not exactly true, I am currently writing songs for a friend of mine who is having a pretty excellent music career."
Why is it so hard to say that I am a songwriter... Because that's kinda friggin AWESOME! I get to do what I love for a living! How many people can say that? Music is what moves me, I incorporate it into every aspect of my life. It's not a traditional 9 to 5, but so what, im not a traditional kinda gal.

After 30 years of walking the line between who I am and who I think I should be, im able to say "Who cares what I should be?" I am who I am, and that's liberating. And fantastic. Off to write!

Edge of Seventeen

The song hasn't come. I'm not worried. ( Do you believe that? Yeah, me neither) Although at least I know more about it. I know it's called "More Than This" and I know what it's about... There's no doubt that I would make all of the same decisions over again bc it all lead up to here and now, and I wouldn't trade the lessons i have learned for ANYTHING. When it comes to my babies (both here and gone) it's easy to see why a certain someone walked away. I wanted it more. I could handle more. I could see more. He learned that the hard way, but thats not my guilt to bear. Nor is it something I saw at the time. I felt abandoned, mourning one child while raising the other, and no one to turn to. The very thing that should have broke me MADE me.

It may sound overly sentimental, but I'll be damned if it's not the truth. I hold no grudges, we are all built differently. I know now that there is nothing I can't handle. I have lived through that, and much more. I have lived through him, and much more. If this music career never works out, I'll live through it.

Something's Coming

The kid is off to school, hubby off to work, and I am stalling. There are a handful of "open songs" that need to be done but there's a ghost of one that wont let me go. It's given me no words or melody, nothing but the knowledge that it exists. It would be great to sit down and just write it...then I could move on. But the darn thing won't come out until it's ready. I have to find the right combination of headspace, sense memory, and emotion to unlock it. I learned a long time ago not to force it or you won't be happy with it.

It feels heavy, like being burdened with low hanging fruit on a tree. If I had to guess, this one doesn't feel like it's about love or family, heartbreak or passion. It feels more raw. This feels like loss, struggle, survival. Could it be about my E.D.? Living without my other baby? Death and tragedy, both literal and internal?

Even grazing the surface of that is making my heart clench.

It's coming...
Avalanche style...
But it's taking it's sweet time...

The slow burn is half the fun.

Human

I'm pretty excellent at starting things, it is the completion that is the challenge. I started 2 more songs, one that is satisfyingly sexy and one that is about love surviving the exposure of all of one's dirty little secrets. Both are going well, neither are finished. How very frustrating. I was spoiled by the way that I wrote in the beginning, with the songs coming to me in their entirety.

Im not really frustrated with the songs. I'm just trying to ignore the real issue. Yesterday, I let my anxiety get the best of me... over analyzing every piece of food and drink... I used to joke and say I'd never be a danger to anyone but myself. So today I am in an emotional hangover. Reminding myself that if other people are don't like what they hear (or see ), that is THEIR problem, someone else will love it. I just have to make what I love.

There are hundreds of songs, singers, and bands that I connect with while I watch others dismiss them. The opposite is true as well. We never know who will connect to what, but that's just the way it goes. I have tried, but just can't seem to write a song that doesn't come from a real place. It seems empty and wasteful. There is no draw in writing a "club banger" or party song for me. I write about the happy, definitely, but it's gotta be about something!

On my way to church to sing in the choir. When I walk through those doors, it's like pressing the reset button on my life... Been selfish? Reset. Been worried? Reset. Been jealous? Lazy? Neglectful? Just been goin THROUGH it? Reset! Im well aware that some of the older members don't approve of me writing"worldly music", but that's not the first or last time we will disagree on things. Luckily, we don't have to agree on everything to love each other... So off I go to sing my heart out and let Him fill me back up.

American Idiot

I woke up with songs in my head. That sounds like a good thing for a songwriter but I had very specific plans that I set up previously with my husband this morning. Here it is 4 hours later, and he is gone and I'm still here. Finally finished but obviously not doing the plans that I had intended. If I I am being honest with myself, my headstone will probably read "just five more minutes babe".

I'm not even a big deal and already I am a super jerk. I don't want my family to suffer bc I can't find the balance between work and life and excuse it as "artistry". That's BS. I made a bad choice. The important thing to do is to learn from it and move forward. 

Things to keep in mind...

Mic Check

I have to admit, I am terrified. In two weeks I will be boarding a plane, and it's got me shaking in my chucks. I'm afraid of heights, I'm going solo, and (please excuse the whining) what if they don't LIKE the songs?

I mean, this is put up or shut up time. I made sure that I took the time to cultivate my collection so that I am only presenting the ones that I love. Also I have prepared myself for the fact that probably only 30% of these will be well received. Of course the other half of me (JR) thinks that I am undershooting that, but he is listening with his dumb husband ear is that love me, not the ears of a music mogul. I told myself that can't leave home with less than a dozen cant misses and 20 ready to go through... That gives me 5 more to go. I'm trying not to force it, get myself out of the way. I could win a medal in self sabotage, but that's another story for another day.

Self doubt aside, I'm crazy excited. I get to see my bestie, see my favorite city, and release some major stress.

Lord, you know what I'm gonna do before I do it, just don't let me get the best of me, huh?