30 Song Post Challenge- #24: A Song That You Want to Play at Your Funeral: "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John and Bernie Taupin, as sung by Sara Barielles
I think about my funeral often, but not about the people that will be there or what will be playing. I think about what happens afterwards. Will I want to be buried? Cremated? Scattered to the ocean or the mountains? kept on a shelf? Made into a necklace?
This wandering heart has never felt entirely mine, nor entirely real. there's a clinical term for that.
Dissociation. When I have left a job, I don't feel the devastation that others seem to endure. 95 % of my breakups happened without a tear shed. I bet that is surprising. there is a very real, very cold side to me. My brain burns hot, my heart beats cold. This may be why I am designated disaster coordinator everywhere I go. In a crisis, I am logical, calculated, wits about me, detail oriented, and methodical. It's in the therebetween that my brain will always take me to the soft places.
That may also be why when I am hurt, it lingers. Because it takes so very much to break through this thick skin of mine. I was raised in hate, bitterness, and spite. The only compliments given were the backhanded kind. No good night kisses. no I love you's. To this day, it sounds awkward coming out of my mother's mouth when she says it to my daughter. And I say it every day, in every way, to both the hubby and the kiddo. We hug, kiss, laugh, and write each other love notes. My world looked nothing like that as a child. But in a strange way, I am grateful for it. It toughened me up. I didn't need verbal approval from adults. I didn't seek it in my lovers. I learned to be enough for ME.
This song is all of that in one. I'm not a show pony that you bring out to impress those around you. I could pretend and blend in to just about any environment. It's a gift really. Just put on the face and say the words. Smile, but the trick is, you have to mean it. I was always the smartest kid int he room, and that was the thing my parents likes to show off. the teachers liked to trot me out and prove they must be doing something right because when everyone else got it wrong and had complaints, I had the answer. The boyfriends knew that I would always have a good comeback and that I could hold my own inn any game, console or board or drinking. Balancing my childhood feelings of worthlessness and the ability to be everyone's champion has been a life long struggle.
The Yellow Brick Road for me is the path that I would have walked had I never found faith in myself. Saying goodbye to that has given my life purpose. Through all the scary times, the struggle, the fear, the uncertainty, it's all been astronomically better than the soul-numbing path that was set before me. some people are built for that. Simple, expected, peaceful, and easy. I'm happier with the rough and tumble of who I am inside. I like the adventure. It's familiar, because it's the life I was meant to live.
When are you gonna come down
When are you going to land
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man
You know you can't hold me forever
I didn't sign up with you
I'm not a present for your friends to open
This boy's too young to be singing the blues
What do you think you'll do then
I bet that'll shoot down the plane
It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics
To set you on your feet again
Maybe you'll get a replacement
There's plenty like me to be found
Mongrels who ain't got a penny
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground
So goodbye yellow brick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse
I'm going back to my plough
Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad
Oh I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road...
