I'd Rather Go Blind

For every three or four songs that I write, I write one for me, in my voice. Even as it comes together, I am already putting it in a special place. So now there is this collection of songs that have no itinerary. The hope is that in the future, I will be able to say, "Oh, I have the perfect song for that!".

I am in a place right now where I am unable to hear the music to the songs... and that rarely happens. Usually the trick is getting it out the way it is in your head.  In this case I can hear the melody of the lyrics but not the accompaniment, which is half of the damned story!

Sigh... instead of going so long blocked up, I am going to look up writing exercises to keep up my momentum. Ok, I REALLY don't want to, but I promised that I would try it...

:::Grumble Grumble:::

Sometimes I think it's more being afraid of what's inside, waiting to come out... not being ready for it...

Delicate

There are certain people in and out of my life that have meant something special. Something that is incredibly difficult to describe. I have loved them with my entire heart, and yet we are no longer a part of each other's day to day. I don't mean exes, I mean those relationships that bear no name. The ones that aren't about romance and sex and dates. Im talking about the way we got each other through death and loss... the sanctuary we provided each other from our personal demons and family heartbreak... the inside jokes and unspoken connections. When those relationships end, they take a piece of you that can never be retrieved or replaced. How the hell am I supposed to just forget about all of that???

I miss these people more than any ex, and that includes the man that I almost married. I feel slightly incomplete. And the worst part of it is, this is just not something that goes away with time. We keep moving forward, we change, we grow... and life goes on. I have this phenomenal husband that allows and encourages me to be the best version of me in all my crazy gypsy glory. My daughter is a dream come true. My bestie is my legitimate soulmate. But I will always love, miss, and cherish the indescribable ones. Always.

Gimme Shelter

The trip was fantastic! I came up with a ton of new material, got the approval on "Dead Wrong", "Strangers", "Gone", "Just For Today", "I Don't", "The You", "After All", and "Sins". I didn't think that so many of them would work! Lucky for me, I am still in full swing. I think I can 2 or 3 more songs out of my brain before getting into the new stuff thats waiting to come forward. I definitely have plenty of material from the weekend...

I am going to get back to the writing but I wasn't working the entire time, I did get to cross something off my bucket list and do something special for my bestie...

Music and Love, two things that we share, are passionate about, and that will always remain. This is my first tattoo, so of COURSE we got a matching one.

Face Down

Domestic violence is a surprisingly divisive topic... it's easy to think that if one person hits another, they are wrong. Apparently, not everyone feels that way. I have been witness to a man systematically isolating and controlling a woman, eventually using his fists when he couldn't get his point across otherwise. It's public knowledge, there's no supposition of if it happened or not. And yet, there are still people that ask her "what did you do to make him do that?".

It blows my mind. Now, years into it, she finally makes a move legally, and somehow she is vilified...? She has a right and a responsibility to not only do what she has to in order to keep herself safe, but also her child.

But in our society, you keep your mouth shut and no one gets hurt... except for you.

Can you tell I have a song brewing?

Today is the day. I fly out tonight and find out if I have the goods or not. For the first time in my life, I am betting on me.

....................

Hide and Seek

Just 48 hours until Denver. I am just going round and round with the songs. Will they be well received? Understood? Are they too similar? Too broad and not cohesive?
I love them, for the most part. There are 3 songs that sound great but don't move me in a personal way, but She wants them, so She gets them. Walking that line between going my own way and filling orders, so to speak, can be crazy frustrating, but it's a pressure I place upon myself. While I love the work, im aware that not all of it will work. I cant wait to see it sung full out and by someone other than me!

2 days. 2 days to get my game face on and step into the big leagues.

Through the Storm

626pm. Driving into the storm. Hubby doesn't want me to know he's nervous. This should be interesting.
650 drove next to a tornado forming, got past that, heading into hail.

723 headed back to omaha, hoping to skirt in between storms...  Jesus protect us.

745pm took a southeast route around the dangerzone. Clear and peaceful.

815pm the storm cell moved with us, so taking highway 50 took us into the eye of the storm. We had zero visibility and have pulled over.

835pm iit's sketchy but doable... I have a good eye on the horizons, but it could change on a dime. The hubby is silent and white knuckling it.

9pm HOME!!!! That trip worked out any random want to storm chase EVER! I saw a tornado form and drop (pictured below) and accidentally drove right through the absolute nastiest storm I've ever seen from within. Adrenaline rush be damned, I'd rather be SAFE. 

Thus concludes my Mother's Day Adventure Extravaganza, as my daughter called it.

Graceland

The song is done. Now there are a few other songs that are coming together quite nicely. Once I was passed the waiting period, everything else just kind of came tumbling out. It's a very weird thing...

When asked what I do (and really, "what do you do?" is randomly offensive) I said,  "I do nothing... well that's not exactly true, I am currently writing songs for a friend of mine who is having a pretty excellent music career."
Why is it so hard to say that I am a songwriter... Because that's kinda friggin AWESOME! I get to do what I love for a living! How many people can say that? Music is what moves me, I incorporate it into every aspect of my life. It's not a traditional 9 to 5, but so what, im not a traditional kinda gal.

After 30 years of walking the line between who I am and who I think I should be, im able to say "Who cares what I should be?" I am who I am, and that's liberating. And fantastic. Off to write!

Edge of Seventeen

The song hasn't come. I'm not worried. ( Do you believe that? Yeah, me neither) Although at least I know more about it. I know it's called "More Than This" and I know what it's about... There's no doubt that I would make all of the same decisions over again bc it all lead up to here and now, and I wouldn't trade the lessons i have learned for ANYTHING. When it comes to my babies (both here and gone) it's easy to see why a certain someone walked away. I wanted it more. I could handle more. I could see more. He learned that the hard way, but thats not my guilt to bear. Nor is it something I saw at the time. I felt abandoned, mourning one child while raising the other, and no one to turn to. The very thing that should have broke me MADE me.

It may sound overly sentimental, but I'll be damned if it's not the truth. I hold no grudges, we are all built differently. I know now that there is nothing I can't handle. I have lived through that, and much more. I have lived through him, and much more. If this music career never works out, I'll live through it.

Something's Coming

The kid is off to school, hubby off to work, and I am stalling. There are a handful of "open songs" that need to be done but there's a ghost of one that wont let me go. It's given me no words or melody, nothing but the knowledge that it exists. It would be great to sit down and just write it...then I could move on. But the darn thing won't come out until it's ready. I have to find the right combination of headspace, sense memory, and emotion to unlock it. I learned a long time ago not to force it or you won't be happy with it.

It feels heavy, like being burdened with low hanging fruit on a tree. If I had to guess, this one doesn't feel like it's about love or family, heartbreak or passion. It feels more raw. This feels like loss, struggle, survival. Could it be about my E.D.? Living without my other baby? Death and tragedy, both literal and internal?

Even grazing the surface of that is making my heart clench.

It's coming...
Avalanche style...
But it's taking it's sweet time...

The slow burn is half the fun.

Human

I'm pretty excellent at starting things, it is the completion that is the challenge. I started 2 more songs, one that is satisfyingly sexy and one that is about love surviving the exposure of all of one's dirty little secrets. Both are going well, neither are finished. How very frustrating. I was spoiled by the way that I wrote in the beginning, with the songs coming to me in their entirety.

Im not really frustrated with the songs. I'm just trying to ignore the real issue. Yesterday, I let my anxiety get the best of me... over analyzing every piece of food and drink... I used to joke and say I'd never be a danger to anyone but myself. So today I am in an emotional hangover. Reminding myself that if other people are don't like what they hear (or see ), that is THEIR problem, someone else will love it. I just have to make what I love.

There are hundreds of songs, singers, and bands that I connect with while I watch others dismiss them. The opposite is true as well. We never know who will connect to what, but that's just the way it goes. I have tried, but just can't seem to write a song that doesn't come from a real place. It seems empty and wasteful. There is no draw in writing a "club banger" or party song for me. I write about the happy, definitely, but it's gotta be about something!

On my way to church to sing in the choir. When I walk through those doors, it's like pressing the reset button on my life... Been selfish? Reset. Been worried? Reset. Been jealous? Lazy? Neglectful? Just been goin THROUGH it? Reset! Im well aware that some of the older members don't approve of me writing"worldly music", but that's not the first or last time we will disagree on things. Luckily, we don't have to agree on everything to love each other... So off I go to sing my heart out and let Him fill me back up.

American Idiot

I woke up with songs in my head. That sounds like a good thing for a songwriter but I had very specific plans that I set up previously with my husband this morning. Here it is 4 hours later, and he is gone and I'm still here. Finally finished but obviously not doing the plans that I had intended. If I I am being honest with myself, my headstone will probably read "just five more minutes babe".

I'm not even a big deal and already I am a super jerk. I don't want my family to suffer bc I can't find the balance between work and life and excuse it as "artistry". That's BS. I made a bad choice. The important thing to do is to learn from it and move forward. 

Things to keep in mind...

Mic Check

I have to admit, I am terrified. In two weeks I will be boarding a plane, and it's got me shaking in my chucks. I'm afraid of heights, I'm going solo, and (please excuse the whining) what if they don't LIKE the songs?

I mean, this is put up or shut up time. I made sure that I took the time to cultivate my collection so that I am only presenting the ones that I love. Also I have prepared myself for the fact that probably only 30% of these will be well received. Of course the other half of me (JR) thinks that I am undershooting that, but he is listening with his dumb husband ear is that love me, not the ears of a music mogul. I told myself that can't leave home with less than a dozen cant misses and 20 ready to go through... That gives me 5 more to go. I'm trying not to force it, get myself out of the way. I could win a medal in self sabotage, but that's another story for another day.

Self doubt aside, I'm crazy excited. I get to see my bestie, see my favorite city, and release some major stress.

Lord, you know what I'm gonna do before I do it, just don't let me get the best of me, huh?