"Saudade" by Jackie Cannon Reeves
I am not broken by these events. I am simply more on the
defense.
Offense. Offend. Try to comprehend how I apprehend the offenders
of me.
Of peace. Of ease. Self-Righteous disease.
There’s no rhyme or reason why it’s not my season. So I sit and wait.
Contemplate. Commiserate with wine.
I find my mind is designed
To unwind in a spiral.
I know that I will be the one to overthink
Over drink, I'm on
the brink of
Not a breakdown but a breakthrough. I see the truth. I see you.
I see that you've made a choice that you have never voiced. So now I am
poised...
Prepared, and ready
To put feet to my faith if I can keep these hands steady. So I
swipe open my phone
(why am I sweating)
and click on your name. I start typing and
press send, hoping to finally end the game.
But I am wrong.
Your response is the same old song, the same old
dance
Your final request for just one more chance, one more try, I don't
even bother to ask you why,
I just say yes, I acquiesce, and let you kill me all over again.
And again.
And again.
A beautiful end. Death disguised as a
friend. As a lover. A betrayal whose depths I have yet to discover.
I am not broken by these events. I am simply more on the
defense.
Or so I thought. I think I am caught. Found out. On display. My face a
mask of shame.
Because I knew what I was doing, I know what I have done.
But
now I can't tell if it was worth what I've won.
