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30 Song Post Challenge- #22: A Song That You Listen To When You're Sad: "The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance 

When I am in the Dark Place, I am listening to this song, posthaste.

"I never said I'd lie in wait forever
If I died, we'd be together now
I can't always just forget her
But she could try.."

There's a someone out there that haunts me. We had the chance at a family, but God had other plans. no one knows but the two of us. And I think of him in the quiet times.


At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are never coming home, never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are never ever...


I see his face when I am happy. I see his smile when I smile, wondering if he is laughing somewhere, or if the grey has overtaken him as well. Do I call him? No. Write him? I wouldn't dare. Because what if he answered?

Ever...Get the feeling that you're never
All alone and I remember now
At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies
She dies

I carry him in my heart. The wars that we survived help me to survive the present battles.

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are never coming home, never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home, never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna...


I've got marks, both physically and emotionally, that tell the story of what we lived through. And why no one can erase you.  Will they always be here? Will they ever fade?

To give up the ghost is defined as: To die in a submissive, peaceful fashion; or to die quickly, with finality, often brutally. 

Publicly, I gave up the ghost with you years ago. Truly, I am still dying, every millisecond. Because of the choices I made. And all I can do is write about it.

Stay Together for The Kids

30 Song Post Challenge- #21: A Song That You Listen To When You're Happy: "The Adventure" Angels & Airwaves

So I maybe had to think much too hard about what I listen to when I am happy. In my best moods, I tend to throw on 50's and 60's tunes, or maybe a little swing music. Something that moves my feet and takes me to the land of sodie pop and sock hops. But when I hear "The Adventure" by Angels & Airwaves, I am happy in a different way. This song takes puts me in a frame of mind where all I can think about is how lucky I am to be on the other side of my anxiety and depression. There may not be a cure, but with the tools that I have and the mindset that I maintain, I can stay on this side of recovery.

When I am at my worst, I am drowning in grey clouds, suffocated by melancholy, and all I can see is what I have done to myself. But after much hard work, I feel like I have clawed my way to the sunshine, and I will be damned if I give that up for anyone or any thing. I am still me, but new. I am still me, but able to activate the IDGAF factor that allows me to persevere.

This song is me reaching out to the me that can't figure out all that is possible beyond her own self doubt and worry. at the end, that repeated round of "I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me..." is such a rally cry. ALL IN OR ALL OUT. That's it.

Someone once said to me that you can choose recovery or you can choose your illness. Whatever that may be, whatever your darkness is, you can choose it or recovery. Every choice that you make during any given day - you are choosing one or the other. So when I hear this song, I remind myself that I have to be all in, heart and soul, and go for it anyway!


I want to have the same last dream again, The one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within, My eyes are woken up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know. My dearest friends, 
Even if your hope has burned with time,
Anything that's dead shall be re-grown.
And your vicious pain, your warning sign,
You will be fine. Hey Ohh, here I am And here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Any type of love, it will be shown, Like every single tree reached for the sky.
If you're gonna fall, I'll let you know, That I will pick you up, like you for I.
I felt this thing, I can't replace, Where everyone was working for this goal.
Where all the children left without a trace, Only to come back, as pure as gold,
To recite this all?
Hey ohh, here I am
And here we go, life's waiting to begin,

I cannot live, I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me...

I Ain't Sorry

30 Song Post Challenge- #20:  A Song That You Listen To When You're Angry: "Don't Hurt Yourself" by Beyonce.

I need you to know, I am a Beyonce fan. But when LEMONADE came out, I was coming out of the roughest patch my marriage has ever seen. There were months where we were two people, living around each other. there was a bevy of tiny cuts, cold shoulders, endless bickering, then full on arguments, broken promises, anger, fury, distance, invisibility, pleading, crying, desperation... but there was also joy, understanding, and a deeper connection at the end of all of that.Where we are now looks like a different galaxy than where we were for that first decade of life together.

When we watched LEMONADE together (and yes, we watched it for the first time together in bed, absorbing it frame by frame on it's premier night), we relived every minute in this album. This was absolutely the most grown that Beyonce has ever sounded. She covered all of the timeline that happens in a marriage that has hit a speed bump. You see it happening, but you wonder, is it just me? Everything is fine, right? And then you see it unfolding into what you never thought would happen to you. You did everything the best that you could, and yet, here you are. a cliche. Dealing with some soap opera BS. So you get mad. REAL mad. then you get sad...and then you tell your friends. And you GET FURIOUS.  that hot fury turns cold. and that is this song. This is my cold fury. Who the F*$% do you think I am??????? You think you can do all of this AND keep me???? Think again. Let me show you who you married, and let me show you how you lost me...

Who the fuck do you think I am?
You ain't married to no average bitch boy
You can watch my fat ass twist boy
As I bounce to the next dick boy
And keep your money, I've got my own
Keep a bigger smile on my face, being alone
Bad motherfucker, God complex
Motivate your ass call me Malcolm X
Yo operator, or innovator
Fuck you hater, you can't recreate her no
You'll never recreate her no, hero

I am the dragon breathing fire
Beautiful mane I'm the lion
Beautiful man I know you're lying
I am not broken, I'm not crying, I'm not crying
You ain't trying hard enough
You ain't loving hard enough
You don't love me deep enough
We not reaching peaks enough
Blindly in love, I fucks with you
'Til I realize, I'm just too much for you
I'm just too much for you

Hey baby, who the fuck do you think I am?
I smell that fragrance on your Louis Knit boy
Just give my fat ass a big kiss boy
Tonight I'm fucking up all your shit boy

Uh, this is your final warning
You know I give you life
If you try this shit again
You gonna lose your wife

I listen to this song when I am angry, and it gives me LIFE. I hope it does the same for you....

Go Your Own Way

30 Song Post Challenge- #19: A Song From Your Favorite Album: "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac

I was not alive for the release of this album in 1976. But I can only imagine the anticipation of waiting to see what else this band could woo us with, and then to have RUMOURS! Filled with callbacks to the drama happening on and off stage, in front of and behind the scenes. Amazing. But even without all the gossip and heartbreaks surrounding this ablum, what a collection of songs. Lyrically profound, musically sweeping and engaging, and unmatched harmonies. Haunting, enchanting, and fitting for so many moods. The power absolutely comes from this being the only song on the album written by all 5 members. 

Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise
Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies

And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain
(Never break the chain)


I suppose there are a few songs I could have chosen from this album. "The Chain" just happens to be my favorite right this very day. anyone who's ever heard it can tell you, the words are driven home by that pounding war-cry of a beat. The repetition is used perfectly. Bringing it all around full circle, reminding you over and over again, it's all about the chain. By the time we get to the climax, shouting, SCREAMING for us to keep it together. almost an accusation. Like looking in the face of a lover.

Have you ever been there? Looking in the face of a lover, your heart overflowing with accusatory thoughts. Replaying all of those broken promises, but not wanting to attack for fear of losing the love completely?  That is this song in the core of things. It starts earnest, passionate, but not rough, not hard, and builds to that place where it's all almost over, and the lover still doesn't get why this means so much... Until finally, the song is yelling, overtaken by emotion and defeat. As if to say, "DON'T YOU REMEMBER ALL OF THE PROMISES YOU MADE? WHEN YOU SAID FOREVER?".

Or is that just me...?

Loverman, oh Where Can You Be?

30 Song Post Challenge- #18: A Song That You Wish You Heard On The Radio: "Lover for Life" by Whitney Houston

Under your spell or under my own power
It really doesn't matter to me
See I fell in love, the first time I saw you
And have been falling in love ever since

You heard my testimony, you've seen my evidence
Hey, it's a crime of passion, in every sense
And justice won't be served, till you stay here in my world
So take me, I'm your prisoner

6 years ago we lost THE VOICE. Whitney Houston. And we will never get her back. There will never be another Whitney. She had such soul and grace and power and truth in every word she said. It didn't matter if she was forlorn over a cheating mad, blushing over a new lover, dreaming of the one she had lost, or speaking to the one in her heart this very minute... you were there with her. You were rooting for her. We felt like we KNEW Whitney. She was our girl. Our bestie. Our mother, Auntie, church lady, and ride or die all rolled in one. Her smile could break your heart. Her shout could change your life. If you weren't moved by her Star Spangled Banner, you were already dead inside. If your toe is not tapping when Whitney begs the question on all of our minds- "How Will I Know"?- you probably are a robot. 

In this track that I have chosen, "Lover for Life", Whitney is at a very vulnerable spot. she interestingly doesnt ask just to be together forever, but to be LOVERS for life. The difference between a wife or a girlfriend and your LOVER in indescribable. It's about intensity. the obession of each other. The infatuation.  when your hands never stop aching to touch one another. When every thought is underlined by that person. Hoping and praying that they feel the same fire. Enjoying the way it burns you up fromt he inside. 

I hear this song, and I pray that the man I love stays my lover for life. That we can always find a way back to the feeling that drew us together with such violent magnetism. Even beyond the emotions, there is an undeniable sexiness in this song. 

They Can't See Me, But I'm Still Here

So here we are, literal years later, and I am still here. Writing music, obsessing over music, drowning in music that won't come out, and choking on the music that does. I had a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy, along with some nodules being removed from my voice box. That means that I have not truly sang since November, and here it is February. My speech therapist says that by May, I should be about halfway there if I stay on track.

The songs don't stop coming to my mind, but I can't get them out. I wake up haunted by the stories in my heart.

I'm pent up with things left unsaid...I no longer reach out to my usual touchstone. The side effects have been messy in the past. But I want to... I want to know what I have missed, but I also like to pretend that it doesn't matter. If all we do is complicate things, then it should stay broken... But somehow, it never is.

So I am forcing my voice back into cooperation by sheer will and trying to let the music have it's say.  Use it a a conduit for the things that I do not understand. I don't need it to make sense, I just need it to get outta my head! I've written all of the sunshine that I can about the past. I am exorcising the rotten truth out of me. I am determined to light a match and burn it all down. I used to think that I didn't know what was worse- never seeing you again or seeing you again. I know now.

Some things, only God can forgive

30 Song Post Challenge- #17: A Song you Hear Often on the Radio: "Praying" by Kesha

Let me preface this by saying, I am not a fan of Kesha, or Ke$ha. I didn't like any of the dancy bits she put out when she was going through all her terrible management, and I am not a huge fan of her un-autotuned voice in her recent this-is-me-take-me-as-I-am phase. But kudos to her for standing up to her abusers and having the courage to be authentic. I hope she has the similar success of Demi Lovato and finds an audience beyond the drunk girls dancing crowd.

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
'Cause I can make it on my own, oh
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain, oh
When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh
Someday, maybe you'll see the light
Whoa oh oh oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive

I gotta tell ya...i heard this song, and it ripped my guts out. It hit me the way that "Til it Happens to You" by Lady Gaga hit me. Truly, until it happens to you, you will never know how much being sexually assaulted ruins a life. Mine happened when I was too young to know any better and then again when I was old enough to know better, but to young to know he importance of reporting it. Speaking up. Shedding light on the monsters that feel justified in stealing the innocence of those around them for their own pleasure and gain. I've since learned how to find worth within my self and not to accept being treated as less than by anybody. But my daughter hasn't. I've instilled all the right values in her, but those lessons have never been tested. We've done our very best to protect her from becoming a statistic, another girl/child/person abused, another soul damaged. bu t at 14, I can't help but think, it could be any day now. It could be any day now that some teacher, some "friend", some friend's father or brother, some stranger even, will cross the line. Will take advantage. Will change her...forever. And if/when that day happens, I hope she can break free, break though, and find strength in being a survivor. But honestly, I hope she never relates to this song as intensely as I do. I'm praying...