I'm alright in bed, but I'm better with a pen

"Saudade" by Jackie Cannon Reeves

I am not broken by these events. I am simply more on the defense.

Offense. Offend. Try to comprehend how I apprehend the offenders of me.

Of peace. Of ease. Self-Righteous disease.

There’s no rhyme or reason why it’s not my season. So I sit and wait.  

Contemplate. Commiserate with wine.

I find my mind is designed

To unwind in a spiral.

I know that I will be the one to overthink

Over drink, I'm on the brink of

Not a breakdown but a breakthrough. I see the truth. I see you. 

I see that you've made a choice that you have never voiced. So now I am poised...

Prepared, and ready

To put feet to my faith if I can keep these hands steady. So I swipe open my phone

(why am I sweating) 

and click on your name. I start typing and press send, hoping to finally end the game. 

But I am wrong. 

Your response is the same old song, the same old dance

Your final request for just one more chance, one more try, I don't even bother to ask you why, 

I just say yes, I acquiesce, and let you kill me all over again. 

And again.

And again.

A beautiful end. Death disguised as a friend. As a lover. A betrayal whose depths I have yet to discover. 

I am not broken by these events. I am simply more on the defense. 

Or so I thought. I think I am caught. Found out. On display. My face a mask of shame. 

Because I knew what I was doing, I know what I have done. 

But now I can't tell if it was worth what I've won.

Let's Get it On

30 Song Post Challenge- #25: A Song That Makes You Laugh: Afternoon Delight

Presented without comment...

Skyrockets in flight..

Love Lies Bleeding

30 Song Post Challenge- #24: A Song That You Want to Play at Your Funeral:  "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John and Bernie Taupin, as sung by Sara Barielles

I think about my funeral often, but not about the people that will be there or what will be playing. I think about what happens afterwards. 

Will I want to be buried? 

Cremated? 

Scattered to the ocean or the mountains? 

Kept on a shelf? 

Made into a necklace? 

This wandering heart has never felt entirely mine, nor entirely real. There's a clinical term for that - Dissociation. 

When I have left old jobs, I didn't feel the devastation that others seem to endure. 

95% of my breakups happened without a tear shed. There is a very real, very cold side to me. My brain burns hot, my heart beats cold. This may be why I am designated disaster coordinator everywhere I go. In a crisis, I am logical, calculated, keep my wits about me, am detail oriented, and methodical. It's in the there-between that my brain will always take me to the soft places very unexpectedly. 

That may also be why when I am hurt, it lingers. Because it takes so very much to break through this thick skin of mine. I was raised in hate, bitterness, and spite. The only compliments given were the backhanded kind. No good-night kisses. No I love you's. To this day, it sounds awkward coming out of my mother's mouth when she says it to my CHILD. 

And I say it every day to the ppl I love. We hug, kiss, laugh, and write each other love notes. My world looked nothing like that as a child. But in a strange way, I am grateful for it. It toughened me up. I didn't need verbal approval from adults. I didn't seek it in my lovers now. I learned to be enough for ME.

This song is all of that in one. I'm not a show pony that you bring out to impress those around you. I could pretend and blend in to just about any environment. It's a gift really. Just put on the face and say the words. Smile, but the trick is, you have to mean it!

I was always the smartest kid in the room, and that was the only thing that my parents liked to show off and that the teachers liked to trot me out for - to prove they must have done something right for my brain to work like this. The boyfriends all knew that I would always have a good comeback and that I could hold my own in any game, console or board or drinking. Balancing my childhood feelings of worthlessness and the ability to be everyone's champion has been a life long struggle.

The Yellow Brick Road for me is the path that I would have walked had I never found faith in myself. Saying goodbye to that has given my life purpose. Through all the scary times, the struggle, the fear, the uncertainty, it's all been astronomically better than the soul-numbing path that was set before me. some people are built for that. Simple, expected, peaceful, and easy. I'm happier with the rough and tumble of who I am inside. I like the adventure. It's familiar, because it's the life I was meant to live.



When are you gonna come down
When are you going to land
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man
You know you can't hold me forever
I didn't sign up with you
I'm not a present for your friends to open
This boy's too young to be singing the blues

What do you think you'll do then
I bet that'll shoot down the plane
It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics
To set you on your feet again
Maybe you'll get a replacement
There's plenty like me to be found
Mongrels who ain't got a penny
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground

So goodbye yellow brick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse
I'm going back to my plough
Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad
Oh I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road...

You Don't Know Me

30 Song Post Challenge- #23: A Song That You Want To Play at Your Wedding: "Come Rain or Come Shine" as recorded in 1959 by Ray Charles, originally written by Arlen and Mercer for the musical St Louis Woman

I'm gonna love you, like no one loves you
Come rain or come shine
High as a mountain, deep as a river
Come rain or come shine
I guess when you met me
It was just one of those things
But don't ever bet me
'Cause I'm gonna be true if you let me
You gonna love me, like no one love me
Come rain or come shine
Happy together, unhappy together
Wouldn't it be fine
Days may be cloudy or sunny
We're in or we are out of the money, yeah
But I'm with you always
I'm with you rain or shine
You gonna love me, like nobody's loved me
Come rain or come shine
Happy together, unhappy together
Wouldn't it be fine
Days may be cloudy or sunny
We're in or we are out of the money, yeah
I'm with you always
I'm with you rain or shine

Marriage is not easy. It is a choice, and it is work. But it is magical. Every disagreement leads to a leveling up of sorts. You get to a point where you know each other more than anyone else ever could. When you have truly seen the ugliest side of each other, the most vulnerable, and the goodness of each other's hearts, there is no going back to to the casual bullshit that we call relationships. I hear people say all of the time that marriage is just a piece of paper. But I know what he and I were before the rings and I know us after, and the difference is palpable. Because we believe in our marriage.

There always needs to be 100% in a marriage, but the trick of it is that it is very rarely a 50/50 split. and that's okay, but each party needs to be honest about what they have to offer at a give time. If I am going through hell, maybe my husband needs to know that I only have 30% to give, and he agrees to make up the difference until I can balance out. When the tables are turned, I do the same for him. We fill in the gaps to be sure that our marriage is at capacity. If I look back at the times that we were in trouble, I can see that we were not covering each other, we were too busy thinking that individually we had given enough. But marriage means that you put the team first. And that is beautiful.

I'm gonna love him, like no one has loved him. happy together, unhappy together, cloudy or sunny, for better or worse, he is mine, and I am his.

Thank God.

Welcome to The Black Parade

30 Song Post Challenge- #22: A Song That You Listen To When You're Sad: "The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance 

When I am in the Dark Place, I am listening to this song, posthaste.

"I never said I'd lie in wait forever
If I died, we'd be together now
I can't always just forget her
But she could try.."

There's a someone out there that haunts me. We had the chance at a family, but God had other plans. no one knows but the two of us. And I think of him in the quiet times.


At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are never coming home, never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are never ever...


I see his face when I am happy. I see his smile when I smile, wondering if he is laughing somewhere, or if the grey has overtaken him as well. Do I call him? No. Write him? I wouldn't dare. Because what if he answered?

Ever...Get the feeling that you're never
All alone and I remember now
At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies
She dies

I carry him in my heart. The wars that we survived help me to survive the present battles.

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are never coming home, never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home, never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna...


I've got marks, both physically and emotionally, that tell the story of what we lived through. And why no one can erase you.  Will they always be here? Will they ever fade?

To give up the ghost is defined as: To die in a submissive, peaceful fashion; or to die quickly, with finality, often brutally. 

Publicly, I gave up the ghost with you years ago. Truly, I am still dying, every millisecond. Because of the choices I made. And all I can do is write about it.

Stay Together for The Kids

30 Song Post Challenge- #21: A Song That You Listen To When You're Happy: "The Adventure" Angels & Airwaves

So I maybe had to think much too hard about what I listen to when I am happy. In my best moods, I tend to throw on 50's and 60's tunes, or maybe a little swing music. Something that moves my feet and takes me to the land of sodie pop and sock hops. But when I hear "The Adventure" by Angels & Airwaves, I am happy in a different way. This song takes puts me in a frame of mind where all I can think about is how lucky I am to be on the other side of my anxiety and depression. There may not be a cure, but with the tools that I have and the mindset that I maintain, I can stay on this side of recovery.

When I am at my worst, I am drowning in grey clouds, suffocated by melancholy, and all I can see is what I have done to myself. But after much hard work, I feel like I have clawed my way to the sunshine, and I will be damned if I give that up for anyone or any thing. I am still me, but new. I am still me, but able to activate the IDGAF factor that allows me to persevere.

This song is me reaching out to the me that can't figure out all that is possible beyond her own self doubt and worry. at the end, that repeated round of "I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me..." is such a rally cry. ALL IN OR ALL OUT. That's it.

Someone once said to me that you can choose recovery or you can choose your illness. Whatever that may be, whatever your darkness is, you can choose it or recovery. Every choice that you make during any given day - you are choosing one or the other. So when I hear this song, I remind myself that I have to be all in, heart and soul, and go for it anyway!


I want to have the same last dream again, The one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within, My eyes are woken up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know. My dearest friends, 
Even if your hope has burned with time,
Anything that's dead shall be re-grown.
And your vicious pain, your warning sign,
You will be fine. Hey Ohh, here I am And here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Any type of love, it will be shown, Like every single tree reached for the sky.
If you're gonna fall, I'll let you know, That I will pick you up, like you for I.
I felt this thing, I can't replace, Where everyone was working for this goal.
Where all the children left without a trace, Only to come back, as pure as gold,
To recite this all?
Hey ohh, here I am
And here we go, life's waiting to begin,

I cannot live, I can't breathe
Unless you do this with me...

I Ain't Sorry

30 Song Post Challenge- #20:  A Song That You Listen To When You're Angry: "Don't Hurt Yourself" by Beyonce.

I need you to know, I am a Beyonce fan. But when LEMONADE came out, I was coming out of the roughest patch my marriage has ever seen. There were months where we were two people, living around each other. there was a bevy of tiny cuts, cold shoulders, endless bickering, then full on arguments, broken promises, anger, fury, distance, invisibility, pleading, crying, desperation... but there was also joy, understanding, and a deeper connection at the end of all of that.Where we are now looks like a different galaxy than where we were for that first decade of life together.

When we watched LEMONADE together (and yes, we watched it for the first time together in bed, absorbing it frame by frame on it's premier night), we relived every minute in this album. This was absolutely the most grown that Beyonce has ever sounded. She covered all of the timeline that happens in a marriage that has hit a speed bump. You see it happening, but you wonder, is it just me? Everything is fine, right? And then you see it unfolding into what you never thought would happen to you. You did everything the best that you could, and yet, here you are. a cliche. Dealing with some soap opera BS. So you get mad. REAL mad. then you get sad...and then you tell your friends. And you GET FURIOUS.  that hot fury turns cold. and that is this song. This is my cold fury. Who the F*$% do you think I am??????? You think you can do all of this AND keep me???? Think again. Let me show you who you married, and let me show you how you lost me...

Who the fuck do you think I am?
You ain't married to no average bitch boy
You can watch my fat ass twist boy
As I bounce to the next dick boy
And keep your money, I've got my own
Keep a bigger smile on my face, being alone
Bad motherfucker, God complex
Motivate your ass call me Malcolm X
Yo operator, or innovator
Fuck you hater, you can't recreate her no
You'll never recreate her no, hero

I am the dragon breathing fire
Beautiful mane I'm the lion
Beautiful man I know you're lying
I am not broken, I'm not crying, I'm not crying
You ain't trying hard enough
You ain't loving hard enough
You don't love me deep enough
We not reaching peaks enough
Blindly in love, I fucks with you
'Til I realize, I'm just too much for you
I'm just too much for you

Hey baby, who the fuck do you think I am?
I smell that fragrance on your Louis Knit boy
Just give my fat ass a big kiss boy
Tonight I'm fucking up all your shit boy

Uh, this is your final warning
You know I give you life
If you try this shit again
You gonna lose your wife

I listen to this song when I am angry, and it gives me LIFE. I hope it does the same for you....

Go Your Own Way

30 Song Post Challenge- #19: A Song From Your Favorite Album: "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac

I was not alive for the release of this album in 1976. But I can only imagine the anticipation of waiting to see what else this band could woo us with, and then to have RUMOURS! Filled with callbacks to the drama happening on and off stage, in front of and behind the scenes. Amazing. But even without all the gossip and heartbreaks surrounding this ablum, what a collection of songs. Lyrically profound, musically sweeping and engaging, and unmatched harmonies. Haunting, enchanting, and fitting for so many moods. The power absolutely comes from this being the only song on the album written by all 5 members. 

Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise
Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies

And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain
(Never break the chain)


I suppose there are a few songs I could have chosen from this album. "The Chain" just happens to be my favorite right this very day. anyone who's ever heard it can tell you, the words are driven home by that pounding war-cry of a beat. The repetition is used perfectly. Bringing it all around full circle, reminding you over and over again, it's all about the chain. By the time we get to the climax, shouting, SCREAMING for us to keep it together. almost an accusation. Like looking in the face of a lover.

Have you ever been there? Looking in the face of a lover, your heart overflowing with accusatory thoughts. Replaying all of those broken promises, but not wanting to attack for fear of losing the love completely?  That is this song in the core of things. It starts earnest, passionate, but not rough, not hard, and builds to that place where it's all almost over, and the lover still doesn't get why this means so much... Until finally, the song is yelling, overtaken by emotion and defeat. As if to say, "DON'T YOU REMEMBER ALL OF THE PROMISES YOU MADE? WHEN YOU SAID FOREVER?".

Or is that just me...?

Loverman, oh Where Can You Be?

30 Song Post Challenge- #18: A Song That You Wish You Heard On The Radio: "Lover for Life" by Whitney Houston

Under your spell or under my own power
It really doesn't matter to me
See I fell in love, the first time I saw you
And have been falling in love ever since

You heard my testimony, you've seen my evidence
Hey, it's a crime of passion, in every sense
And justice won't be served, till you stay here in my world
So take me, I'm your prisoner

6 years ago we lost THE VOICE. Whitney Houston. And we will never get her back. There will never be another Whitney. She had such soul and grace and power and truth in every word she said. It didn't matter if she was forlorn over a cheating mad, blushing over a new lover, dreaming of the one she had lost, or speaking to the one in her heart this very minute... you were there with her. You were rooting for her. We felt like we KNEW Whitney. She was our girl. Our bestie. Our mother, Auntie, church lady, and ride or die all rolled in one. Her smile could break your heart. Her shout could change your life. If you weren't moved by her Star Spangled Banner, you were already dead inside. If your toe is not tapping when Whitney begs the question on all of our minds- "How Will I Know"?- you probably are a robot. 

In this track that I have chosen, "Lover for Life", Whitney is at a very vulnerable spot. she interestingly doesnt ask just to be together forever, but to be LOVERS for life. The difference between a wife or a girlfriend and your LOVER in indescribable. It's about intensity. the obession of each other. The infatuation.  when your hands never stop aching to touch one another. When every thought is underlined by that person. Hoping and praying that they feel the same fire. Enjoying the way it burns you up fromt he inside. 

I hear this song, and I pray that the man I love stays my lover for life. That we can always find a way back to the feeling that drew us together with such violent magnetism. Even beyond the emotions, there is an undeniable sexiness in this song. 

They Can't See Me, But I'm Still Here

So here we are, literal years later, and I am still here. Writing music, obsessing over music, drowning in music that won't come out, and choking on the music that does. I had a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy, along with some nodules being removed from my voice box. That means that I have not truly sang since November, and here it is February. My speech therapist says that by May, I should be about halfway there if I stay on track.

The songs don't stop coming to my mind, but I can't get them out. I wake up haunted by the stories in my heart.

I'm pent up with things left unsaid...I no longer reach out to my usual touchstone. The side effects have been messy in the past. But I want to... I want to know what I have missed, but I also like to pretend that it doesn't matter. If all we do is complicate things, then it should stay broken... But somehow, it never is.

So I am forcing my voice back into cooperation by sheer will and trying to let the music have it's say.  Use it a a conduit for the things that I do not understand. I don't need it to make sense, I just need it to get outta my head! I've written all of the sunshine that I can about the past. I am exorcising the rotten truth out of me. I am determined to light a match and burn it all down. I used to think that I didn't know what was worse- never seeing you again or seeing you again. I know now.

Some things, only God can forgive

30 Song Post Challenge- #17: A Song you Hear Often on the Radio: "Praying" by Kesha

Let me preface this by saying, I am not a fan of Kesha, or Ke$ha. I didn't like any of the dancy bits she put out when she was going through all her terrible management, and I am not a huge fan of her un-autotuned voice in her recent this-is-me-take-me-as-I-am phase. But kudos to her for standing up to her abusers and having the courage to be authentic. I hope she has the similar success of Demi Lovato and finds an audience beyond the drunk girls dancing crowd.

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
'Cause I can make it on my own, oh
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain, oh
When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh
Someday, maybe you'll see the light
Whoa oh oh oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive

I gotta tell ya...i heard this song, and it ripped my guts out. It hit me the way that "Til it Happens to You" by Lady Gaga hit me. Truly, until it happens to you, you will never know how much being sexually assaulted ruins a life. Mine happened when I was too young to know any better and then again when I was old enough to know better, but to young to know he importance of reporting it. Speaking up. Shedding light on the monsters that feel justified in stealing the innocence of those around them for their own pleasure and gain. I've since learned how to find worth within my self and not to accept being treated as less than by anybody. But my daughter hasn't. I've instilled all the right values in her, but those lessons have never been tested. We've done our very best to protect her from becoming a statistic, another girl/child/person abused, another soul damaged. bu t at 14, I can't help but think, it could be any day now. It could be any day now that some teacher, some "friend", some friend's father or brother, some stranger even, will cross the line. Will take advantage. Will change her...forever. And if/when that day happens, I hope she can break free, break though, and find strength in being a survivor. But honestly, I hope she never relates to this song as intensely as I do. I'm praying...

Open Hands are Hard To Hold

30 Song Post #16 A Song I Used to Love but Now Hate: "At Last" by Etta James

come on. This is the love song to end all love songs. I have always been drawn to the classics, because back in the day, when they wrote a song it was because they had something to SAY! There aren't a ton of words, but damn it if she didn't sing the hell out of this song. It's been done well, it's been done mediocre, and it's been massacred. But IT. HAS.BEEN. DONE.

Growing up, I couldn't get enough of this song. It reminded me that the one for me was coming, and it would be worth the wait. It told me that it would be like nothing I had ever had before or that I would have again. When I found the one, I would know it!


"At last 
My love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
At last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream, that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
You smiled, you smiled
Oh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
for you are mine...
At Last"


And that's why I hate it now. I had it set aside. I am a planner, you see. I always knew what I would name my daughter, and I did!  I always knew what my first house would look like (white house, black shutters, red door), and I always knew what my wedding song would be. I got 2 out of 3 of those things.

I fell in love, he proposed, we had a child, and he was all for using "At Last". I had the wedding planned all the way down to a deposit on the venue (a castle, mind you) bought the dress, deposits at the caterers. And then one day, he "doesn't want to be a husband or a father".

Now every time that I hear that song, the joy is missing. It has become a funeral song for me. Of course, this was all years ago, I am married to a different man, and of course we have a completely different song. But unless you live under a rock, there is no getting away from this damned Etta James song. Every wedding, commercials, tv shows, the Presidential Inauguration! They all have used this song. When I hear it, I no longer hear the promise of an amazing love story, but I hear a soft-hearted woman that fooled herself into thinking that just because I meant every word that I said, that maybe he did too. What a shame.

She Cries Your Name

30 Song Post #15 A song that describes you: "the Nicest Thing" by Kate Nash

"All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favorite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something"

Single Ladies

30 Song Post # 14:  A song that no one would expect me to love: It Kills Me by Melanie Fiona

I don't do a whole lot of R&B, unless it's old school, but I can't lie, I LOVE this kind of song, and this one in particular is EVERYTHING. I know, I know, but if you listen hard enough, she'll say some things (in the words of Young Jeezy).

Oh yeah I've got trouble with my friends
Trouble in my life
Problems when you don’t come home at night
But when you do you always start a fight
But I cant be alone, I need you to come on home
I know you messing around...
...Ive gotta be out my mind
To think its gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave but the other half still believes
And it kills me to know how much I really love you...


I am here to tell you , men complain about crazy women, but alot of them were sane and fine before someone that she gave her heart to played with it until she got this way. And the opposite is true, most of those men are messed up from being mistreated. Vicious cycle. Every.Single. Woman. has been crazy over some man, we just don't always admit it.

I am a proud woman, but I have been dragged through some MESS, okay? and it pushed me to the point where I felt like I couldn't admit defeat bc of all that I had fought for, which is crazy.

I think I like this song bc it's just so real. I know a million women that could sing this like an anthem, and that's a shame, but it's legitimate. When she says "so much I wanna Ooh ooh oooooooh", I get ALL of the feels. The frustration, the internal battle, it's palpable. "Should I be a lady?"

It's a decision every day to be a lady. There is not one woman that doesn't have it in them to be psychotic over her man, but we can choose to go the other way, even when we know that letting the beast loose would feel better. If we hold it in, we come out on top, but we pay a hefty price. When my hubby hears this one come on, he knows that it is time to smooth some stuff OUT! lol




You can enjoy it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8yZedKTXJ0

I Told You So

30 Song Challenge Post #13: A Guilty Pleasure Song: "I Know You Won't" by Carrie Underwood

Sigh. Okay, now let me qualify this answer just a little bit. I have gone back and listened to the album version of this song, and I am pretty bored. this is a perfect example of when live music MURDERS the recorded version.

When I first heard this song, it was when she performed it live at an awards show. Queen Latifah  introduced her, and I left it on as I was busy with something else. The lyrics are pretty bleak, all about a man that she tries to understand and wants to believe in, but she has finally gotten to the point that she knows without a doubt that she just can't believe a word that he says. How very typically country, but for some reason, this damned song has never left my brain.

When I fight with my husband, I sing this in my shower and it is so cathartic. Carrie is very quiet in the verses of this song, but the chorus is booming, soaring, beautifully declarative.

You say you'll call, but I know you
and you say you're comin' home, 
But I know you
You say you'll call, 
But I know you won't..."

and that is where she sold me. She just HOLDS it in such earnest.. I know you wont.....

How many times have we talked ourselves into something that we knew not to be true simply because we couldn't bear to look at what truth lied beneath all of the hope and compromise?
When you have a bad egg, you KNOW it, but by the time you know it, you are usually already in love and therefore locked in. I keep saying it, but it has never stopped being true: I will always respond greatest to a writer that can just say it. When she slips from her pretty serenade into the last leg of the song and lets that grit into her voice, you can feel that this is not a song written to fill album space (which is how the recording comes off)but that this is about a very specific somebody. there is a loss in that voice, a sound that says I am not quite over it. Unfinished. And frankly, maybe that's because she didnt write it ( written by Wendell Mobley, Neil Thrasher, McEwan), but she certainly sang it like she did!


I'm telling you, by the time it hits 3:56, it is full on GREAT!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5gwoFgOt9o

I'm Not the Only One

30 post song challenge #12: A song from a band that you hate: "Savin Me" by Nickelback

It is not so much that I HATE the band, they are just not really my deal. It's a little generic, a little bland, and super predictable. But then, like most things, if you listen hard enough in between all of the throwaways there are some very interesting lines. i like this song in particular because the lead in and fade out guitar riffs are slightly haunting. I am very much into anything that can give me the feels, anything that takes me to a place in my heart that I have been and cannot (will not) easily access.

This song could have been just another tosser if not for the line in the chorus:

"say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me.."

I couldn't get that phrasing out of my head. He didn't just want her to say it FOR him, but to say it TO him. Looking back, I have given heart to people that said all of these wonderful things about me, and couldn't bring themselves to say it TO me, to declare it, to make it legit. Dancing around the hard topics can be enticing, the anticipation building until you reach a frenzy. It's the courtship of it all. but at some point, you have to put up or shut up. If you want me, if you want my heart, you have to have the courage to step over that line. SAY IT if it is worth saving me!

And from another angle...  I have a very good friend that is in quite the rough spot. I, along with the rest of his friends and family, are watching him drown. He is floundering, and not winning this fight. I get why he stays. He doesn't want to break his vows, he doesn't want his child coming from a broken home, and he lacks the confidence to turn his world upside down. People around him have hinted at wanting to help, but sometimes you have to SPEAK UP and say the hard things. SAY IT if it's worth saving him. I think of him every time I come across this song... Our friendship is in a treacherous position, as she knows that I won't stand idly by, and that threatens her very position. But I refuse to go to the funeral of a friend when I have things that have been left unsaid out of courtesy..

I will say it, because it's worth saving him.

White Blank Page

30 Songs: #11: A song from your fave band: "Broken Crown" by Mumford and Sons.

I don't adopt new bands into my collection lightly. I may like one or two songs, but to say I am a fan is a very different thing. Being the nerd that I am, I don't claim fandom unless I can fully commit. I like to be completely invested in the music, the writing, the message... The origin story and the journey have an impact on the music.

All of that being said, Mumford and Sons is the band that I have fallen in love with the most in the past 5 years. "Broken Crown" is a song that immediately struck a chord on many levels. Im going to post the lyrics altogether, because they speak volumes! It says so much about choice and free will vs fate and destination. We know what is technically right and wrong, but the heart wants what it wants... We see how things should go, but sometimes the bad choice gives that instant gratification we all can't help but yearn after. And worse, while we are all guilty of our own sin, the judgment and contempt... the SHADE that we throw to one another is despicable. This is the song that plays like my own personal testimony. I have no problem admitting my faults and missteps, but dont you dare stand as my judge and jury, because your closet is as full as mine...

http://www.2kmusic.com/en/webvideo/mumfordsons/1LBx2YjDtYg/broken-crown-by-mumford-and-sons-lyrics

Touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home safe and tucked away
Well You can't tempt me if I don't see the day

The pull on my flesh was just too strong
Stifled the choice and the air in my lungs
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie
'Cause when I opened my body I breathe in a lie

I will not speak of your sin
There was a way out for Him
The mirror shows not
Your values are all shot

But oh my heart, was flawed I knew my weakness
So hold my hand consign me not to darkness

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I can take the road and I can fuck it all away
But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate

Never Keeping Secrets

Radio silence is necessary once in awhile. Though I make no excuses for mine. It's difficult to explain but I feel... unsafe. Vulnerable in the worst way. Digging deep and climbing behind the same walls that were built for protection is the only way to get the quality of writing that I want. It's not good to be so closed off, so some of those walls didn't get put back and now I am at risk.  Damn it.

30 Song Posts #10 : A song that helps you sleep : "Walking After You" by The Foo Fighters.

The second verse says, "if you'd accept surrender, I'll give up some more..." The amount of push and pull that one line describes is crazy. And overwhelmingly relatable. Which is why I chose this song for this post. The music is a wonderful whiskey fueled lullabye, and then the lyrics spur me into thinking and mediating on love and what that means. The chorus repeats almost as a chant, "if you walk out on me, I'm walking after you...", That's so powerful. And sweet. And almost a vow. It's a promise and declaration. I put this song on, and I drift into the most peaceful of dreams.

I'm surprised to realize that I listen to this song in both times of sadness and joy, in both love and loss. It can be hopeful or desperate, depending on status of your heart. Dave Grohl, you sing my thoughts. If you haven't listened to it before, find a space to be alone, put on your headphones, and prepare to get lost.

Foo Fighters - Walking After You: http://youtu.be/rvorB7d2b8Y

You Never Can Tell

30 Song Post #9: A song that makes you dance: Feel Again by One Republic

There were more obvious choices, like "walking on sunshine", "footloose", or any of the swing/rockabilly music I love love love, but it's easier to use the last one that made me feel that way.

The song is catchy and bright, but it also speaks to a time of darkness, a time when everything was just more of the same. If I let myself dig deep into this song, it will break my heart. And the it will sew it back up as it reminds me that no matter how many times I made the wrong choice, how many times that I took the hit, it call worked out in the end. There's a man that loves me despite my mess, and I give him the same.

"It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace
Everything that I had 'til my feet went numb
Praying like a fool that's been on the run

Heart's still beating but it's not working
It's like a million dollar phone that you just can't ring
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing
Yeah, my heart is numb

But with you
I feel again
Yeah, with you
I can feel again...

It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace
Everything that I broke 'til my feet went numb
Praying like a fool just shot the gun

Heart still beating but it's not working
It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh, my heart is numb

But with you
I feel again...
I'm feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me...

The joy of this song starts in my head and runs full speed to my feet. I'm known for having it in repeat until I get out of a funk.

Side note: I'm loving these writing exercises! It's spurred my writing on in a crazy way! Reminding myself why I started, giving inspiration, and keeping me from getting blocked up.

Give Me Love

Song post #8: A song you know all the words to.

:::Can I just start by saying WOW!!! In just these last months, it's been crazy. I have been writing not just more, but better songs, which is a big deal to me because I love what I was writing before.

I stopped second guessing the words, stopped analyzing the process, and just wrote! Sure there have still been a few duds, but the good ones have been GREAT!

I'm focused less on the sound and more on the story. The sound will come on it's own. I can't really explain the joy of being able to take what I dream and create a reality. I love that my girl is singing my songs and recording them, but even if no one ever heard them, it would be enough to have given them life.. :::

That being said... a song that I know all of the words to. I'm going to reach back to a song that could never be done better than the original. It's not the best technical song, nor the catchiest, but I dare you to find a song that carries more meaning to a greater amount of people.

I chose "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. Even before they sing one word, you are hooked. I could go into the original content meaning and the story of why they wrote it, but honestly, you don't have to know any of that to know real songwriting:
"How I wish, how I wish you were here,
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.
Running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
Wish you were here..."